Series:  Advent, #4 

December 24, 2006

GOD’S LOVE LANGUAGES

I.        Love Languages

          Let me tell you about a couple I’ll call “Larry” and “Louise”.  I got to know this couple pretty well, and spent a lot of time with Larry doing all sorts of things.  In the course of that friendship, he confided in me his deep frustration and disappointment with his marriage.  Things weren’t good.  Louise always seemed so cold, and she told him on more than one occasion that she didn’t believe he loved her.  He did love her—I could definitely tell that—but something was very wrong in their relationship. 

          I lost track of them for several years, and then one day, Larry called me out of the blue.  “Jim!” he said, “You won’t believe it!  It’s like I’ve got a new wife.  Louise and I are really doing well.  Our marriage is better than it’s ever been!” 

          “Really?” I said.   “That’s wonderful! What happened? What made the difference?”

          “Well,” he said, “we read a book called The Five Love Languages, and it has transformed our relationship.” 

          The Five Love Languages was written by Gary Chapman, who is a marriage counselor who has written a number of excellent books on marriage.  In this book, he says that we all have our own primary love language, which is the way we express love, and the way we understand love coming to us.  We learn this language from our parents, primarily, but our own psychological make-up has a part to play in it as well.  His point is that if we are speaking our love language, but our partner’s love language is different, they may not understand that we are trying to tell them we love them. That’s what had been going on with Larry and Louise. He had been trying to show her that he loved her all those years, but she never understood that’s what he was saying.  He might as well have been speaking Swahili. 

          Here are the five love languages that Chapman identifies in his book.  As I go through them briefly, see if you can identify which of these is your primary way of expressing and understanding love. 

·        Words of Affirmation.   Affirming positive traits in the other person; encouraging them; expressing our confidence in them; offering sincere compliments (not flattery); telling someone how much you appreciate them, and why; thanking them for doing something nice, etc. 

·        Quality Time.  That is, spending quality time together.  Giving someone your undivided attention.  Doing things together.  Just talking, in a setting where neither of you will be distracted (the sports bar is probably not the place for a fan to go for quality time).  Playing games together. Interacting. 

·        Giving and Receiving Gifts.  Some people just appreciate material expressions of love. It’s not that they’re greedy, or materialistic; it’s just that a gift, even a small, inexpensive one, is a powerful symbol of love for them.  It tells them that someone thought enough of them to go to the trouble of selecting, buying, wrapping, and getting that gift to them. 

·        Physical Touch  Our skin is the largest organ in our body, and it has wonderful little sensors all over it that tell us when we are being touched.  A gentle, loving touch can mean so much: a caress of the cheek, a hug, holding hands, a back massage, and certainly sex between husband and wife. 

·        Acts of Service.  These can be things like cooking a meal, housecleaning, changing the baby’s diaper, mowing the grass, making the bed, etc.  There may be some things you don’t want your spouse to do for you, because you think they do it wrong.  But there are other things that you would love for them to do, because it would tell you that they were serving you out of love. 

          There may be other love languages, and Chapman says we can speak different dialects of the same language, but these are five good ones to start with.  Barbie and I read this book some years ago, and I learned that one of her love languages is quality time.  That’s why it is really important for me to take Fridays off, because we can spend that time together.  She doesn’t care if we are doing chores or running errands, as long as we’re doing it together.  A couple of weeks ago, when we spent Friday getting ready for the staff and elders’ Christmas dinner, she said at one point in the day,  “We doing it together!” I thought, “Cool.  She’s happy; I’m happy.” 

          I’m going to talk more about this concept of love languages in a sermon in February, but I wanted to mention it today in the context of Christmas.  This is a powerful concept. What if we applied it to God?  Does God have a love language?  And does He speak our love language, whatever it might be? 

          Cameron Townsend was a missionary in Guatemala, but could only communicate with the people in Spanish, which was not their native language.  One day, one of them became indignant when Cam offered him a tract in Spanish. “Do you have one in Cakchiquel?” he asked. “There are none, I'm sorry.” replied Cam. “Well,” retorted the man, “if your God is so great, why can’t he speak my language?” In one decisive moment, Cameron Townsend understood that God had called him to translate the Bible into the language of his Guatemalan friends.  That effort has now grown into Wycliffe Bible Translators, which is translating the Bible into the heart language of thousands of people groups all over the world.

          We would readily say that God speaks Cakchiquel, and Bafut, and Domaaki, and many other languages that we can’t pronounce[1], but does He speak our love language?  Does He know how to communicate love to me?  And does God have a primary love language of His own?

          The Bible is pretty clear that God is the supreme lover of all time.  Love is so central to His nature that we are told God is love.  It doesn’t say God is any of His other characteristics, like justice, or truth, or righteousness, or power, or wisdom, but it does say God is love.  And the Bible also tells us what His primary love language is. 

II.       God’s Love Language   John 3:16

          In the words of the last song the choir sang, “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.”  God’s love language is giving gifts.  He loved the entire world so much that He gave us His only Son, Jesus Christ, born of a virgin, whose birth we’ve been celebrating all month.  He did that, even knowing what kind of reception Jesus was going to get.  You might think that the Son of God would be welcomed and honored here on earth, but that wasn’t the case.  Instead, He was despised, rejected, hated, and killed.  God knew that’s what would happen, but He gave Him to us anyway.  Because He loved us so much. 

          He knew that this was the only way to rescue us from ourselves. Left to ourselves, we will drive off the cliff, spiritually speaking.  We will invariably choose the wrong way, do things that hurt ourselves and others, and violate God’s holy laws.  The result is destruction at the bottom of the cliff.  So God gave us His Son, to show us the way to live, and to suffer that destruction in our place, so that we could live in God’s love. 

          Our daughter’s in-laws, her husband Mike’s parents, are great people.  Mike’s dad is a Baptist pastor in California, and we think they are terrific.  Last Christmas, we flew to California to spend our granddaughter Kasey’s first Christmas with her and Mike’s family.  Before we got there, Heather warned me:  “Dad,  you need to know that the Clarks’ love language is gift-giving.”  That meant a lot to me, and it really helped me cope with the mountain of gifts that we found under, and around, and behind, and in front of the tree that day.  It was unbelievable.  Now, not all of those gifts were for Kasey; but it did take the back of two SUVs to be able to carry all of Kasey’s gifts home that night.  The Clarks love their grandchildren, and their natural impulse is to give.  Just like it is with God.  He loves, so He gave.  He loves so much, He gave the greatest gift of all: His own Son. 

          So that seems to be God’s primary love language. But what if that isn’t your love language?  The whole point of the concept is that we shouldn’t just keep speaking our own language; we need to learn the love language of those we want to communicate our love to, or they won’t understand that we love them. Does God know your love language?  Can He speak it? 

Indeed He can.  Let’s look at the other languages Chapman identified. 

II.          Words of Affirmation     Genesis 32:28; 17:4-5; Matthew 16:17-18; Isaiah 43:1-4

          One of the ways God affirmed people in the Bible was to change their names.  In the Old Testament, especially, people’s names meant something.  Today, if your name is Falconer (as Barbie’s maiden name was) it does not mean you are a falcon keeper.  But in the Old Testament, the man named Jacob lived up to his name, which meant “cheater”, “one who cheats another out of his rightful place”.  But then one day, God met Jacob at a crisis in his life, and the angel of the Lord wrestled with him all night.  As day approached, the angel said, Genesis 32:28, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."  Israel means, “he wrestles with God.”  It was a title of honor for the man who would become the patriarch of the entire nation of Israel. 

          God called Abram to Himself, and made a covenant with him.  Even though Abram and Sarai were quite old already, and Sarai was unable to have children, God said, Genesis 17:4-5 "…this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. [5] No longer will you be called Abram; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations.”  Abram means “father of many;”  Abraham means “father of many nations.”  What a powerful affirmation and encouragement to Abraham that was.  And it gave him the strength to keep believing God all through the many years before God finally gave them a son. 

          In the New Testament, Jesus changed Simon’s name to Peter, which means rock, and said, Matthew 16:17-18, “I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.“ 

          Whenever I am in need of a little affirmation from God, I go to Isaiah 43:1-4,

    “But now, this is what the Lord says--

        he who created you, O Jacob,

        he who formed you, O Israel:

    ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

        I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

    [2] When you pass through the waters,

        I will be with you;

    and when you pass through the rivers,

        they will not sweep over you.

    When you walk through the fire,

        you will not be burned;

        the flames will not set you ablaze.

    [3] For I am the Lord, your God,

        the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;…

    [4] Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

        and because I love you,

    I will give men in exchange for you,

        and people in exchange for your life.’” 

God believes in you more than you believe in you.  In the midst of the hardships of life, He has every confidence that you can do what He is asking of you, and you can become what He wants for you.  He loves you just as you are, and He will encourage and affirm you into what you were meant to be. 

III.          Quality Time   Mark 3:14; 6:31; John 14:16-17

          Quality time is another love language, and God speaks that fluently.  Isaiah’s prophecy said that God would send someone called “Immanuel”, which means “God with us.”  That’s the whole point of Jesus’ coming—He wanted to be with us in a personal way.  He came to earth to be one of us, to experience life with us, to walk in our moccasins, so to speak. 

          While He was here, Jesus focused much of His time and attention on twelve men.  After spending all night in prayer, He called them to Himself, for several purposes.  Do you know what the first one was?  Here it is in Mark 3:14, “He appointed twelve--designating them apostles--that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach [15] and to have authority to drive out demons.”  Preaching, and driving out demons might be important work in the kingdom of God, but the first reason Jesus called these men into that special relationship with Himself was just so they could be with Him.  They lived with Him for the better part of three years, walking all over Palestine, listening to Him teach, watching Him perform miracles, just absorbing everything they could from Him.  Quality time. 

          Once after the disciples had returned from a preaching mission, they were exhausted.  But there were so many people coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat.  So Jesus said to them, Mark 6:31, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."  What an invitation:  “Come with me by yourselves.”  Jesus invites them to come away to a quiet place and spend time with Him.  You know why He said that?  He liked them!  And He extends that same invitation to you for the same reason.  Really.  He likes spending time with you.  He especially likes it when you take the time to focus your attention on Him, to talk life over with Him, to bring Him into your everyday activities.  He’d spend all day every day with you if you’d let Him. 

          Then came the time when Jesus was going to have to leave His disciples.  It was a sad time for them all, but especially terrifying for the disciples.  They had done everything together with Jesus, from attending parties, to sailing, to walking the roads of Palestine, to learning how to preach and heal and cast out demons.  But now it was coming to an end, and they were fearful of what life would be like without Him.  That’s why it was so encouraging and meaningful to them as they ate that last meal there in the upper room, to hear Jesus say, John 14:16-17, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever-- [17] the Spirit of truth. … he lives with you and will be in you.”  The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, would be there to take His place in their lives, so that they could always spend quality time together, no matter how many of them there were, no matter how widely scattered around the world they are.  The Holy Spirit is Jesus with us, right here and now, and He loves spending quality time with you. 

          It’s important for us to understand that God has all the time in the world.  We are the ones who are too busy, too frantic, and harried and rushed to be able to slow down and spend time with Him.  God is available to you today.  If this is your love language, God knows how to speak “quality time”.  I know the Christmas season is really busy, but I find that the week between Christmas and New Years is often a fairly slow time.  Why not schedule some quality time with God this coming week, and see how satisfying to your soul that can be.  Take a minute and think about this coming week, and jot down a day and time when you could get a couple of hours alone with the Lover of your soul. 

IV.          Physical Touch   Mark 10:13; Matthew 8:2-3

          God also speaks “physical touch”.  One of the great benefits of Jesus coming into the world as a man is that He could touch people physically.  He laid His hands on many as He healed them.  There was a time when people were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Let them through.  The kingdom of God is composed of little children, and people who believe in me with the simple trust of a little child.  And then He took them on His knee and blessed them.  For years we had a painting of Jesus with little kids hanging in our daughter’s room, because we thought that was such a powerful expression of His love. 

          Perhaps the greatest demonstration of Jesus’ ability to speak “physical touch” came the day a man with leprosy approached Him.  In that day, people thought leprosy was contagious, and they made lepers live in places outside the city, and when they came into town, they had to constantly cry out, “Unclean!  Unclean!” so that no one would inadvertently bump into them.  The man said, Matthew 8:2-3, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."  In response to the man’s plea and his faith, Jesus reached out his hand and touched him. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"   Jesus had healed many people without touching them, sometimes even at great distances.  He certainly could have done that in this case, and no one would have faulted Him for it. But Jesus understood the power of touch, so especially in this case, with a man who had not had a loving human touch perhaps for years, Jesus reached out and touched him.  I think that touch probably did as much to heal his heart and soul as it did to heal his body. 

          But Jesus is gone now; He’s no longer here on earth.  How can He speak our love language of physical touch?  He does it through the people who are His Body.  Everyone who belongs to Christ through faith is part of the Body of Christ on earth, and He loves to touch people through them.  So we might be sensitive to how Jesus wants to love someone by our touching them. Who do you know who needs a hug today, or a hand on their shoulder?  And it just might be that as people shake your hand today, or hug you, or place their hand on your arm, that could be the hand of Jesus speaking your love language.  Receive it as though it were from Him.

V.      Acts of Service    Matthew 20:28 

          A fifth love language is acts of service, and Jesus is good at that, too.  One time Jesus was at a wedding party, and they ran out of wine.  It was a major social embarrassment, and Jesus’ mother asked Him to help.  After a little dialogue with her, He did help them out, by turning water intended for foot washing into the best wine they had had all evening.  There’s a lot more to that miracle than that, of course, but at the very least, it was a tremendous act of service for that father and the young couple. 

          All through His public ministry, Jesus served the sick through many acts of healing.  He healed the lame, the blind, lepers, people with fevers, a man with a withered hand, those with emotional and spiritual problems. 

          One time He and His disciples were in a boat crossing the Sea of Galilee, and a storm sprang up.  Jesus was in the back of the boat, sleeping.  Finally, it got so bad that these experienced sailors woke Him up, afraid that they were going to drown.  But Jesus served them by calming the storm and taking them safely to land. 

          Really, His whole life was one of service.  That’s how He summarized His mission in   Matthew 20:28, “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."  He wasn’t here for Himself; He was here for us.  And he loved us enough to serve us in whatever way people needed Him.  His ultimate service was on the cross, as He gave His life as a ransom for us.  You know that proverb that says, “To err is human, to forgive, divine”?  That’s a good summary of what was going on when Christ died. 

          To err is human.  We all do it.  No one has ever lived a life that even they would say was morally perfect.  Everybody does things they wish they hadn’t done.  What we don’t always realize is that those moral errors are symptoms of a much deeper disease.  The Bible says that we are in trouble with God because we keep doing what we know is wrong, and what God says is wrong. 

          But, to forgive is divine.  On the cross, Jesus was being punished for our sin, so that God could forgive us without compromising His justice.  That’s what He wants to do for each of us. 

          This Christmas, I want to encourage you to listen to God.  He’s speaking your love language, whatever it is.  He wants you to know that He loves you more than you can possibly imagine, and He wants a love relationship with you.  That’s why Jesus came—so you and God could be really close. 

          And if you want to respond to God in the way that He will understand most clearly that you love Him, you can try speaking His love language: giving gifts.  God gave Himself to you in Jesus Christ.  If you want to make God really happy this Christmas, give Him yourself in return.  There is nothing in this world you could give Him that He does not already have except your heart.  Speak His love language, and give Him yourself today.