Marvelous Marriage 1: How To Guarantee That You Will Have a Marvelous Marriage

Series: Marvelous Marriage, #1

January 28, 2007

HOW TO GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL HAVE A MARVELOUS MARRIAGE

I was talking last week with a man whose son, Jay, is a Lutheran pastor in Denver, in his first church. It’s a very small church, so Jay has to do absolutely everything, from shoveling the walks to serving communion. In their church, when they do communion, they have the people come forward to the altar to dip the bread in the cup. Well, one time recently, some homeless men came in, who didn’t know the drill. They got in line and followed other people to the front, but they thought it was for some kind of offering. So they were digging in their pockets for the little change they had, and when they got to the communion cup, they looked at each other and dropped their change in it!

They don’t teach you how to deal with these things in seminary! Or, as I said to this dad, “the tidiness of theory is no match for the messiness of reality.” That’s a phrase I heard from an HP engineer many years ago, and I have seen the truth of it in lots of different situations in life.

Marriage is one of those. The fairy tales all end with, “and they lived happily ever after,” but we know that’s not how life works. You look at brides with those starry looks in their eyes; you watch them plan out every detail of their wedding to the gnat’s hair; you hear the glorious plans for what they’re “gonna do” after they are married; and you think, “the tidiness of theory is no match for the messiness of reality.”

We have another phrase for this: “the honeymoon’s over”, and every married couple knows what that means. It’s the time when you wake up to the reality that you did not marry the perfect person, that you do not live in Camelot, and that marriage is hard work. Sadly, for some, the honeymoon is over even before they get back from their honeymoon; for others, it’s a few weeks, or months down the road. But we all face it at one point or another. This next statement may be a bit strong, but I would guess that most married people have gotten to the point where they asked themselves, “What have I done?” because the messiness of their reality was just too much for the tidiness of their theory about what marriage was to be like.

Marriage is hard. And unfortunately, many marriages do not survive. The challenges are no less in the church than in the culture at large; many of our marriages are struggling. So the staff and I are going to try to do some things this spring that we hope will strengthen the marriages in our church. I’m going to preach eight sermons on marriage; we are offering a Sunday School class on marriage taught by Jim and Debbie Eng (starting Feb 11); and we are going to hold the Love and Respect Seminar here, February 23 & 24.

What should you do with this if you are not married? I think there are a number of ways you could benefit from this series.

· If you hope to be married some day, you should take good notes, because we are going to offer a lot of very helpful, practical information in the next two months about how to have not just an OK marriage, but a marvelous marriage.

· If you are divorced, you might reflect on your previous marriage in light of what is taught here, to see if you can come to some deeper understanding of why your marriage failed. God doesn’t intend to waste the pain you went through then; He longs to use it to make you a better person. I should also say that if you are divorced, you need to know that divorce is not the unforgivable sin. God is a God of grace, and He is eager to see you go on with your life. Let God give you a second chance.

· Who do you know? If you are not planning to be married again, you probably know someone in your family who could benefit from these sermons. You could get them a tape or CD and share the information with them. Or invite them to come to church with you for the duration of this series.

· Many of the principles that we will talk about in this series apply to almost any relationship. You can ask yourself, How can I apply this to my other important relationships? A large part of having a better marriage is being a better person; what can I learn from this to be a better person in any relationship?

· What if you are happily married? First, thank God! And then think of this as a tune-up for your relationship. There are always some things you could do to tweak it, to make it even better. And I find that most people who have good marriages are always looking for ways to improve what they’ve got. That’s why their marriages are so healthy.

When I do pre-marital counseling with couples, I ask them, “What is the one thing that will guarantee the success of your marriage? Think about it for a couple of weeks, and then the next time we meet, tell me what you think.” How about if you think about that with someone near you right now? In small groups of 2-4, discuss this question: What is the one thing that will guarantee the success of a marriage? Be sure to include in your group someone you are not married to. (I don’t want couples just talking to each other.)

What are some of the things you came up with?

Here’s my take on it: the one thing that will guarantee that your marriage is not just OK, but wonderful, is if both of you are willing to change your selves in whatever way it takes for the success of the marriage. It won’t work if just one of you is willing to do that; it takes two to make it work; unfortunately, it only takes one to destroy it. Let me unpack this statement to show you what I mean.

I. Aisle, Altar, Hymn

All too many brides, when asked what it takes for a beautiful wedding, will mention the walk down the aisle, with every eye on them, their proud father beaming at their side, their husband-to-be grinning from ear to ear in anticipation of this big moment. Then there is the altar at the church, all beautifully decorated with flowers, and maybe they’ll take communion there together as their first act as husband and wife. And there may be a majestic hymn that reminds us all that God is in this, and is smiling on this new couple.

But in a bride’s secret heart, these words may take on different meanings. The bride may really be thinking, The secret to a happy marriage is, “I’ll alter him”. I know that’s what some brides think, because they have told me so. I’ve pointed out some things in their fiancé that didn’t seem so good, and they have said flat out, I’ll change him. He’ll change for me.

And, of course, this is what many people still think, after years of frustrating and disappointing marriage: if only my partner would change, everything would be wonderful. A couple comes to me for marriage counseling, and I ask each of them, what do you think is the problem here? And each of them launches off into a long tirade about the failings of their spouse. If I ask them, what do you see is your part of the problem? How do you contribute to the difficulties? How might you need to change? they have a hard time coming up with anything. They can see their partner’s faults in flaming 3-D Technicolor, but they are blind to their own.

II. Planks and Specks Matthew 7:1-5

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said something that speaks to this universal human tendency to blame others. In this slide, I have changed the word “brother” to “partner”, to help us see the application of the principle to marriage. Matthew 7:3-5, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your [partner’s] eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? [4] How can you say to your [partner], 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? [5] You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your [partner's] eye.”

It is hypocritical to be nagging at our partner for things they need to change, when we won’t admit to ourselves or to them that we have some things that need changing, too. Jesus calls our relative faults planks and specks. What’s the point of that? He’s trying to get us to see that we need to work on ourselves first. In God’s sight, the faults on both sides are like planks.

The hard truth is that if you are very aware of your partner’s faults, you just need to shut your mouth about them. Zip it up. Make a commitment before God that until your relationship has changed dramatically, you are never again going to mention those things that irritate you so much. Those are specks, completely insignificant in comparison to the planks in your eye.

III. “Be willing to change yourself”

A. Can’t change them

My conviction is that you need to “Be willing to change yourself”. Because it’s for sure you are not going to change your partner. We can make that obvious by turning it around and asking, What happens when someone tries to change you? Your self-centered spine stiffens to steel, and something in you says, “There is no way on God’s green earth I am going to do that.” I hear people say all the time, “You just have to accept me the way I am. That’s who I am; I’m not going to change.” I want to say, “Yes, you are a stubborn, or arrogant, or rude, or whining, or selfish person, but you shouldn’t be!” So we have to be willing to change ourselves, because we are the only one we can change. Even that’s not easy! But you know you have the power of the Holy Spirit on your side when you try to change yourself; when you try to change your partner, you’re on your own. It’s not going to happen.

B. Pride

One of the great obstacles to changing ourselves is our pride. Pride that does not want to be humbled before another, to admit our faults. The old nature in us that insists on being right dies hard. I have shared with you before how one summer when Barbie and I were on a hike, God convicted me that my attitude toward her in the moments before had not been right. As we walked along, with her in front, I kept wrestling with the Holy Spirit who was convicting me that I needed to apologize to her. But I didn’t want to do it. I kept trying to rationalize my way out of it, to blame my attitude on her, to push the Spirit aside, to try to get Him to be quiet. But finally, after about 10 minutes of this, I gave up, spoke to my wife, and apologized for my attitude. She forgave me and we went on in unity and harmony, and now my soul was free. I felt light, and happy, and the Spirit was smiling on me. But that was hard! I didn’t want to do it. Because of pride.

Folks, the devil and our sinful nature will try to convince us that we are better than we are, that we don’t have all that many faults, that we don’t need to apologize. Don’t believe it. Crucify that pride. Admit the truth about yourself to God and your partner, and you’ll be on the road to recovery.

C. “In whatever way it takes”

We need to be willing to change ourselves in whatever way it takes for the success of our marriage. The hard question that many of us need to consider is, “Is my marriage more important to me than my own needs, wants, desires, preferences, etc.?” It is unbelievably short-sighted to sacrifice your marriage for the sake of your own selfish desires. Inevitably, you will lose yourself as well as your marriage. God has designed marriage as His ultimate curriculum of love and righteousness. He intends to use the challenges and struggles and pain of this relationship to make you more loving and more righteous than you were when you got married. You will like yourself a lot better if you will cooperate with His plan than if you selfishly resist it. In that case, you may get everything you thought you wanted, and end up being a person you can’t stand. What will it take for your marriage to succeed? What changes will it require in you? If you are not willing to make those changes, your marriage is in trouble.

So what do you see? What does God see that needs to be changed in you? If you are having trouble seeing anything, ask a trusted friend who knows you well to be straight with you. We all have blind spots; we need others to hold the mirror up to us and show us what we need to see about ourselves.

Another way to get at this is to listen to God in His Word. Here are some passages of Scripture that speak to the kind of relationships we are to have with everyone, and especially with our spouse. As I read these, examine your own heart, ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you from His Word, to penetrate and break your heart over your own sin. Ask Him to show you the plank in your own eyes.

· Ephes. 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

· Ephes. 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. [32] Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

· Ephes. 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

· Romans 12:3 Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…

· Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

· Romans 12:17-18 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. …[18] If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

· Romans 14:19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

· Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…

· 1 Peter 1:22 …love one another deeply, from the heart.

· 1 Cor. 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. [5] It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. [6] Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. [7] It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [8] Love never fails.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to see yourself as God sees you, to examine your heart under the searchlight of His Word, and to admit what you have really been like to your spouse?

IV. Confession

A. To God

The first step is to ask God to break your heart over your own actions and attitudes. Confess it to Him. Use His terms for your sins; if you have been stubborn, say you were stubborn, not, “I didn’t always change when I should have.” If you have been selfish and self-centered, don’t say, “I know I could have been more sensitive to my partner.”

B. To your spouse James 5:16

Then confess to your spouse. James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I can’t help but think that applies to the healing of our marriages as well as our bodies.

Again, use God’s words; be specific. Say, “I have used very harsh and unloving language with you,” not, “I know I haven’t been the husband/wife you wanted me to be.” There was an article in the Loveland paper a few weeks ago about some newspaper sales people who went door to door in Longmont falsely telling people that the paper they were then taking had been bought by a larger Denver paper, and now they needed to sign up for that Denver paper. When this was called to the attention of the sales manager, he said, “mistakes were made”. Mistakes? They lied! Don’t do it like that. Be specific, and take responsibility for your sin.

C. What if they don’t receive it well?

So you screw up your courage, humble yourself before your partner, confess your sins to them, and now what? What if they just blow you off, or say they don’t think you are sincere, or throw it back in your face someway? That isn’t your problem. Now your conscience is clear before God, and they have to deal with God for their unforgiveness. But let’s be honest: if you were the offended one, and the offenses had been going on for years, and you had cried yourself to sleep over them night after night, do you think you’d be willing to just say, “Oh that’s OK, honey! I forgive you!” right off the bat? It takes time for people to get to the place where they can honestly forgive a lifetime of offenses. Or even a few very serious offenses.

If they don’t respond well, then you are at a crossroads. What you do at this point will determine whether you need to go confess to God again, or whether you take the road to healing for your marriage. If you blow up, storm around, conclude that all that emotional pain you went through to confess to them was in vain, then you have headed down the wrong road. But if you respond to them with gentleness, humility, and love, you have gone a long way toward healing the relationship.

Your partner may need to see that you are serious about your apology, and the way to prove that is to actually change. The proof is in the pudding. One thing that can help us change is a lifestyle of confession.

D. A lifestyle of confession Acts 24:16

Do not imagine that once you’ve gotten over the hurdle, crucified your pride, and managed to squeak out a confession to your mate, that you are done. This is not a one-time event; you are committing yourself to a lifestyle of confession. Acts 24:16, “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.” Because this is what it takes for the success of your marriage. If you have been acting a certain way for years, and now you see how wrong that is, and want to change, chances are you are not going to change overnight. Those are deeply ingrained habits, and you are probably going to fall again, which means you’ll have to apologize again. Every time you do that, it will become more and more painful to admit to yourself that you are that deeply wrong inside. But this is how we do it: commit yourself to a lifestyle of confession, keeping short accounts with each other. Eventually, the pain of embarrassment will be sufficient to keep you from doing it again.

And God will help you.

V. God’s Part

What is God’s part in all this?

He forgives us when we sincerely confess our sins.

He helps us forgive others when they apologize to us.

He can give you love for your spouse again, when you thought it was dead.

He can help you change, to become the person your spouse wants to be married to. Ask for His help. God is committed to the success of your marriage, maybe even more than you are. It is worth fighting and working for, and He will be with you every step of the way. Cry out to Him. Keep crying out to Him. And at the heart of your prayer is, “O God, change me!”