Marvelous Marriage: The Power of the Tongue

Series: Marvelous Marriage, #3

February 18, 2007

THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

I’m in a series of sermons on how to have a marvelous marriage, but this sermon is applicable to all relationships, not just marriage. I am going to focus some of my illustrations on the marriage relationship, but communication is an important factor in every human relationship. So if you are not married, pay particular attention today; this is for you as well.

My parents lied to me. They thought they were teaching me to cope with the harshness of the elementary school playground, but in fact, they told me a lie. They quoted the cultural proverb, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” So when kids would call me names, or say mean things to me, I would bravely throw that back in their faces. But it never helped, because it wasn’t true. Their words pierced my little heart like deadly arrows, and crippled my self-esteem for years. I was in my 30s before I realized the power of words, and how powerfully they had damaged me.

I. The Power of the Tongue

A. The power of life and death Proverbs 18:21; 25:11; Job 19:2; James 3:2-9

God had said it long ago: Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We can bring powerful healing and life to others through what we say, and we can drive daggers into their hearts.

The Scripture cites both positive and negative possibilities of how we use our tongue:

· Positive: Proverbs 25:11, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” –beautiful!

· Negative: Job 19:2, "How long will you torment me and crush me with words?”

Who of us has not said something and then immediately wished we could get it back? But you can’t. Once it’s out, the damage has been done. You can (and should) apologize immediately for hurtful things you have said, but you can never take them back. If we gave it a little thought, I bet most of us could remember hurtful things that were said to us, sometimes years or decades ago. The power of the tongue is absolutely amazing!

James 3:2, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” The point is, none of us is that good. We all stumble in many ways, and we all stumble in this way in particular. If we were able to avoid sinning with our mouth, we would be so thoroughly self-controlled that we wouldn’t sin in other ways, either. But that’s not who we are.

James goes on to give three illustrations of just how powerful the tongue is:

The tongue is like the bit in the mouth of a horse: 3:3, “When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.” Little bit; big horse.

The tongue can be compared to the rudder of a ship: [4] “Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.”

And finally, the tongue is like a small spark that sets a whole forest on fire: [6] “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

That’s strong language, but I think most of us can attest to the truth of it, both in our marriages, and in other relationships where harsh words have been said.

One of the things about our tongue that is most frustrating and confusing is that it is, as the Native Americans would say, “forked”. James 3:9, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. [10] Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” Sometimes we are just as sweet as can be. Probably most of us tried to be on our best behavior this past week for Valentine’s Day. But many of us blew it the very next day, or in the 3 days since then, by saying something that was harsh, hurtful, or careless.

B. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks Matt 12:33-37

In Matthew 12, Jesus has a saying that is extremely convicting to me. Matt 12:33-37, "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. [34] You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. [35] The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. [36] But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. [37] For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." He is saying that the reason my words are bad, is because my heart is bad. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. We can say we didn’t mean whatever we said, but the truth is that at least part of us did! The new man being re-created in the image of Christ surely didn’t mean to hurt our friend or our partner with those words, but the old man, who still lingers down in the basement of our hearts, certainly did mean to hurt them.

Worse yet, Jesus says, God is going to use our words as a reliable gauge of the condition of our heart. The reason we say hurtful things is because we have hurtful hearts, so we will have to give account for every careless word we have spoken. I’m sure you’ve been asked by a preacher somewhere along the way to consider what it would be like to have a little computer screen on your forehead that showed every thought that passed through your mind. That would certainly make us uncomfortable! But the truth is that God can read our minds like that, and He’s going to hold us accountable for those thoughts that have found their way to the surface in our words.

You know the story about the Native American and the missionary. The missionary had led the chief to Christ, and then had to leave for a time. When he returned, he asked the chief how we was doing spiritually. The chief said, “I feel like there are two dogs in my heart, fighting: a good dog and an evil dog.” “Which one is winning?” asked the missionary. The chief answered, “The one I feed the most.” We have to feed our new nature in Christ and starve the old sinful nature, so that God can change our hearts. We need to be faithful in worship, and consistent with our Quiet Time; we need an accountability partner to pray for us and encourage us. And we need to pray that God will change our hearts so that our words will bring life instead of death to those around us.

C. Tone and body language

Another factor in the challenge of communication is that so much is communicated by how we say it. And sometimes, these other factors contradict our words. For example, think about the importance of our tone of voice: If someone asks how you are, there is a huge difference between “fine, thank you” (sincere) and “fine, thank you!” (sarcastic). Or between “Would you please pick up your socks?” (sincere) v. “would you please pick up your socks!” (demanding, frustrated)

Then there is the non-verbal body language, which the experts tell us communicates far more information than the mere words do. We smirk, which says we are laughing at them in some superior way. They are poor, ignorant fools, but we know the ropes. We roll our eyes, as though it is intolerable to have to put up with this person’s stupidity. We glare at them in an effort to bend them to our will. We may refuse even to look at them while we are talking, as though they are not worth noticing.

Using a combination of body language and tone of voice, we have become masters at inflicting pain on people while saying all the right words. That way we can always fall back on, “I said [such and such] didn’t I?!” “My brothers (and sisters) this should not be.”

The Scripture has a lot to say about our communication. This morning, let me just mention three principles.

II. Three Principles of Communication from Scripture

A. Listen! Pr 18:13; James 1:19; Pr 29:20; 10:19

Interestingly, the first principle we should consider is not about talking at all; it is listening. It has been observed that God gave us two ears, but only one mouth, as an indication that we should listen twice as much as we speak.

· Proverbs 18:13, “He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame.”

· James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Barbie and I will sometimes catch each other completing our sentences, and more often than not, we guessed wrongly where the other was going with that thought. We heard the first half of the sentence, thought we knew what they were going to say, and responded to it without really listening to them. That is, as the proverb says, to our folly and shame, and we have to apologize for it. We should be quick to listen, and slow to speak.

For some people, this will be a major effort, because they talk all the time. They never stop to ask questions of the other person, they never stop for breath, they never stop at all! I don’t know all the psychological reasons for this kind of behavior, but I know that Jesus can help you with it. My guess is that folks who talk to other people all the time and never listen, also have a hard time listening to the still, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. It’s just hard for them to be that quiet for very long. But this is a good thing to learn to do, so I want to encourage you, if that shoe fits, to ask God to help you learn to be quiet and listen to other people. Your life will be much richer if you do.

Listening is a lot different than just hearing. Jesus says often in the gospels, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” What He means is, if you have ears that are capable of hearing sounds, go beyond that and pay attention to what is being said. I have a fault of not always listening to Barbie when she speaks to me. I’ll be reading something, or thinking about something else, and when she starts talking, I’m not fully tuned in. The sound waves are striking my ear drum, but the signal is not being processed in my brain. Then part way into her point, I do tune in, and realize I have no idea what she is talking about. Or she’s referring to someone she mentioned at the beginning, and I am frantically trying to figure out who that is by what she is saying. I hate that, and it comes from simply not listening, not paying attention. Another problem I have is that my mind will wander when someone is talking to me, and I suddenly realize I have been somewhere else for the past 30 or 60 seconds. What did I miss? Was it important? Will I say something stupid in reply, because they already told me that?

What’s the solution? Be quick to listen. Pay attention. Exercise a little self-control to keep my mind in the conversation. Which really boils down to treating others with the same respect I would hope to receive from them.

If we do slow down and listen to what people are really saying, then we have a chance to apply this next principle:

B. Choose Your Words Carefully Proverbs 15:23, 28; 21:23; 25:11; 29:20; Ps 141:3; Eph 4:29

Proverbs 15:28, “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” If we take the time and make the effort to really listen to others, then we will be able to weigh our answers before we speak. Think of weighing things in a balance scale in your mind. On the one side, you have what you want to say, the first thing that comes to your mind. Which, in the heat of the moment, might well be described as “gushing evil”, as it says in the proverb. On the other side of the scale, you have the potential effects of that statement. As you weigh them, you realize that No, that’s not the right thing to say, so you remain silent, and consider another approach. Maybe that one is a little better, but still not good. Or maybe you change the scale, so that you are now weighing your potential comments against the teaching of the Scripture, and you find that your initial thoughts come up wanting—they don’t measure up to what God expects of us. So you hold your tongue some more, and keep thinking, and weighing, until you have the right thing to say.

To some people, this sounds like torture. They are the extraverts among us, and they are used to speaking long before they really know themselves what they are going to say. But the heart of the righteous weighs its answers, and the results are much better in the long run.

Other passages describe this process in terms of guarding what comes out of our mouths. Proverbs 21:23, “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.” The psalmist acknowledged his inability to do that, so he asked God for help: Psalm 141:3, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” My heart—at least the old part of it that still lingers there—is corrupt, and unless I guard it, it will spew its corruption out of my mouth. So I need to set a guard at the opening of my mouth, with strict orders about what to let out. This guard acts like a filter: letting the good words out, but blocking the bad words that would speak falsehood, or spread gossip, or shoot arrows into someone’s heart.

Eph 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Boy, if we just practiced that one principle in our marriages, how much better things would be! No unwholesome talk: no sarcasm or snide remarks, no unloving criticism, no put-downs, no swearing, no calling names, no lying—or twisting or even shading of the truth, no yelling, no anger, no superior tone, no scoffing, no deceit, on and on. We are masters at inventing ways to sin with our tongues. Lord, set a guard over my mouth! Keep watch over the door of my lips! Let none of that unwholesome, evil talk out. But do let out anything I might want to say that is helpful for building others up, for meeting their needs. I want to benefit—literally “give grace” to—those who listen to me—especially my spouse.

Proverbs 25:11 summarizes this principle beautifully, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Choose your words carefully. Slow down enough to weigh what you are going to say, and say only those things that will build your partner up. When you do that, it is like beautiful jewelry, just adorning and adding beauty to all who hear you.

C. Speak the Truth in Love Eph 4:15

All the way back in the time of the Exodus, God instructed His people not to lie. The ninth commandment was, “You shall not bear false witness.” As simple as that sounds, most people, including most couples, find that it is harder to do than we first realized. There is a universal human tendency to make ourselves look better than we are. So when confronted with the option of admitting fault or lying, we find ourselves hard pressed to tell the whole truth. In marriages that are struggling, this pattern becomes epidemic. Each partner lies to cover up their mistakes and sins, then they have to lie to cover the lie, and another lie to cover that one. They start sneaking around behind the other’s back, doing things that they know are wrong, and then lying to hide that. They say things to the kids that they lie about later. They lie to the kids. They lie about where they were, and what they were doing. This pattern can really get out of control.

God’s wisdom says, Eph 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Speak the truth. Tell the truth. Don’t shade it; don’t tell just the part of it that doesn’t make you look so bad; don’t tell the truth in such a was as to intentionally mislead or deceive your partner or friend. I know this is hard. I’m sure I’ve been where you have been at times: wrestling with your conscience, wrestling with the Holy Spirit who is convicting you that you need to come clean, but not wanting to; still hoping to justify yourself, to put the blame on someone else, not wanting to admit that you are as bad as you really are.

Friends, it’s time to come clean. It’s time to speak the truth. If we do not tell the truth to our partner, then our marriages are based on a sham. If they believe a lie about us, because that’s what we’ve told them, then they really are not relating to us; they’re relating to this false image we have concocted about who we are. You can’t have a healthy marriage on that basis. You can’t have a healthy friendship if one of you is not who the other thinks you are.

This is going to be painful for some of you. You are going to have to admit to lying, and to doing things that will be damaging to your pride and the image you have tried to project. But it is the only way to begin to rebuild a strong, healthy relationship.

Now notice the other side of this instruction in Ephesians: speak the truth in love. Why would he need to say that? Because in some situations, it is all too easy to wield the truth as a club. We have a choice—to say what is true in a matter of fact way, with compassion for the one we are speaking to, or to say it in such a way as to inflict maximum damage and pain on them. Whether it is the truth about ourselves, as I was just saying, or the truth about them, how you say it makes all the difference.

For example, think of the way Jesus dealt with the Samaritan woman. He told her to go call her husband, and she was honest enough to say that she didn’t have a husband. But Jesus knew the whole story. He knew that she had been married 5 times, and was then living with a man who was not her husband. How would He share that truth with her? He could have beaten her up with it; He could have condemned her with it. But instead, incredibly, He affirms her truthfulness (as partial as it was), and says, John 4:17-18, “You are right when you say you have no husband. [18] The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” That’s the truth, which was damaging enough as it was, spoken in love.

Sometimes, we have to say hard things; things that the other person will not want to hear. But how we say them makes all the difference in the world. Do we say them in love, with our heart breaking for the mess our loved one has gotten themselves into, or do we say them harshly, in a way intended to hurt them?

Let me ask you this: if you hear three things, and two of them are positive, encouraging, complimentary, and one is critical, which one will you most likely remember when you go to bed that night? Your partner, or your friend, is like that too. If our intention is to help, rather than to hurt, then we will be sensitive to this dynamic, and seek to fill our conversation with positive, encouraging words. School teachers are advised that the ratio of positive to negative comments to their students needs to be something like 10:1, and that’s not a bad rule of thumb for us to use in our conversations with our spouse.

The prophet Isaiah had a powerful encounter with God one day that changed his life forever. He records that for us in chapter 6 of his prophecy:

Isaiah 6:1, “In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. [2] Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. [3] And they were calling to one another:

‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory.’

[4] At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.”

That’s a powerful vision of God. How would Isaiah respond? How would you respond? He said, [5] “‘Woe to me! I am ruined!’” Why do you think he felt like that? It must have been the incredible difference between him and the holy God. In Hebrew, the way to say something was very holy was to repeat the word: holy holy. So the most holy place in the tabernacle, where the Ark of the Covenant was, was called the “holy of holies”. In this vision of God, the angels call God “holy holy holy”! There is no other place in the Bible where an adjective is repeated three times. It’s a way of saying that God is ultimately holy; far more holy than you and I can imagine. And in that vision, Isaiah realized that he was not holy. Not at all.

What was his sin? What horrible things had he done that made him cringe and fear for his life in the presence of the holy God? Here’s what he said: [5] “‘For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.’” Isaiah knew that he was a man who sinned with his mouth. He did allow unwholesome words to come out of his mouth. He was guilty of deceit, and slander, and coarse jokes, and harsh criticism, etc. And he realized in that moment that his sinful mouth was enough to condemn him to destruction.

[6] “Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. [7] With it he touched my mouth and said, ‘See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.’” God alone can atone for our sin. In the New Testament we discover that this atonement comes through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Only He can take away our guilt and our sin, including the sins of our lips. We need to ask Him to do that for us today.

As we pray, you do business with God about your lips: your speech, the ways you talk to your spouse, your friends. Ask God to forgive you, and to change your heart.