Marvelous Marriage: Taking Your Communication to the Next Level

These are clichés, words and phrases that have practically lost their meaning through overuse. One of the saddest instances of cliché communication is at the grocery store, where the checkers are required to say, “Have a nice day” as you leave. Sometimes, the poor people look like they have been run over by a truck, and there they are pretending to be concerned about my day.

I know some men who hardly ever get beyond this level of communication, especially if they listen to a lot of sportscasters. Sometimes I wonder if there is a special school you have to attend if you want to coach a sports team. Interviews with coaches and players after the game are nothing more than one cliché after another. Imagine what it might be like if I were interviewed on Sunday afternoon about how the morning worship went:

“Yeah, we’re just taking it one service at a time right now. We’re just going to give each service 110 percent and not look ahead to the next week. You know there was a lot stuff that led to the botched prayer attempt. Throughout the morning, we had several unforced musical errors, which ultimately resulted in some missed worship opportunities. We’re not looking that far down the road right now, but I think if we take care of the stuff we can take care of and just focus on the fundamentals of good worship we have the potential to be awesome. You know the congregation meant a lot today, there was no way we could have done it without them, we were just praying off of their energy. Yeah, we saw the attendance figures from Faith Assembly, and we can see that those guys are doing some great things, but we're only able to worry about ourselves; we can't get caught up with what other churches are doing. It just means we've got to hit the practice pulpit harder this week. If you drop an offering plate, or your sermon illustration gets picked off, then you work on it in practice.”

This morning I want to talk about levels of communication. These apply to almost any relationship, so whether you are married or not, I think you’ll find these helpful for analyzing and improving your communication with the important people in your life. When a couple’s communication consists almost entirely of clichés, their relationship is bound to be shallow and unsatisfying to both of them.

At this level, we report factual information or statistics about the weather, the office, friends, the news, personal activities, etc. It requires almost no in-depth thinking or feeling. Factual communication is relatively safe and most people do this pretty well.

“A wife says to her husband, ‘I talked to Myra this morning, and she told me that Paul has been sick for six days. The doctor recommends that he go to the hospital Friday for tests. She said he had been complaining of pain in his lower back, and after six days of bed rest he doesn’t seem to be any better.”

“Did Junior find the dog? Yes, one of the neighbors found him and locked him in their backyard. Junior heard him barking this afternoon, and went to rescue him.”[2]

“What time is Megan’s game tonight? 7:00, and we have to get there early to get a seat.”

Factual information like that is the level of much of life. It’s important for making life and marriages work, but it doesn’t build any kind of intimacy between a couple or between friends.

Now we’re moving into the area of concerns, expectations, evaluations, interpretations, and personal goals, dreams, and desires.

“I thought that movie was excellent, particularly with the surprise ending.”

Due to differences of opinion that naturally arise between two people, especially between men and women, this is typically the level at which we run into conflicts. My experience, both personally, and with other couples, is that very few of us are really good at dealing with conflict. I’m a professional conflict-avoider/people-pleaser myself, so this has been a huge challenge for me in my marriage and ministry. But here are a few points that I’ve learned, and am still learning, that I think can help us with this important part of communication.

Most young couples I meet with for premarital counseling report that they argue about insignificant things. The issue they started arguing over isn’t really important; being right and winning are. One of the marks of maturity and love is being willing to just let it go. How important will this be five years from now? Many times, it won’t matter five days from now, so just drop it. Let the other person “win” if that’s what they want. So what?

Consider these Scripture passages that encourage us to let unimportant matters go:

· Pr 19:11, “A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

· 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” It’s not weak to brush it off; it is a sign of maturity, wisdom, and love.

· Proverbs 17:14, “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

So before you react to something your partner said that was stupid, or wrong, ask yourself how important it is. If you can, let it go.

But sometimes, we shouldn’t let it go. These are the issues that are important. If you don’t resolve them, they will continue to eat at you and your unity. For these matters, you do need to talk them out. It is really destructive if one of you just refuses to talk about an issue like that. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive strategy that shuts down communication and is destructive to your intimacy.

Here again, that verse we looked at last week is helpful: Eph 4:15, “Speak the truth in love.” We need to say how we feel. You can open it up with something like this: “Remember last night when you said…? I have tried to let it go, but it just keeps bugging me. Can we talk about it?”

When you’re talking about a potentially divisive issue, don’t attack the other person.

Be sure to use “I” statements, not accusations that all start with “you this, and you that”. Nothing puts people on the defensive faster than being attacked. So you don’t start the conversation with, “What in the world were you thinking!!??” You start instead with, “I’d like to talk about this situation with you. I noticed that you…, and I feel this way about it. Is that how you wanted me to feel?” And then you can go from there. You talk about your feelings, your interpretations of what they did or said, and your responses to that. You may even want to apologize for your response, but you don’t attack or accuse. The proverb says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire” (Pr 15:1, MSG).

The biblical term for attacking and making accusations is quarreling, and it’s not a good thing.

Proverbs 26:21, “As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.”

Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may find yourself attacking your partner’s character, or their motives, which you almost certainly do not know with perfect understanding. When people feel threatened by this kind of attack, it is very hard for them to respond in a thoughtful, caring, and sensitive way. More often than not, they will retaliate, and then you have an arms race on your hands, with major escalation happening every time the other one speaks. Soon, the original issue has been long forgotten, and you are arguing about who each other is, rather than the issue which divides you.

It’s easy to pick a fight, but Jesus said “blessed are the peacemakers.” One of the great challenges in marriage, or any long lasting relationship is how to fight fair, how to disagree, and deal with conflict, in a godly, constructive way. Refusing to make accusations or to attack the other person is an important piece in that process.

You’ve heard it before: Never say “never” or “always”. The reason is, it’s an exaggeration, and people react negatively to that. You can say instead, (again using “I” statements), “It seems to me that you often…” or, “I feel that many times you…”. It’s not only softer, it’s more accurate. Proverbs 25:18, “Like a club or a sword or a sharp arrow is the man who gives false testimony against his neighbor (or spouse).” Exaggeration is just another form of lying, and it almost never helps to solve the problem.

Some people, unable to win in the rough and tumble of an argument, will try to manipulate their partner by taking the blame. “It’s all my fault”, often said in a tone of voice that implies they are a martyr worthy of sainthood. This technique is intended a) to make your partner feel so guilty that they then own up to their fault, or b) simply to shut down the conversation. In either case, it does nothing to help you resolve the issue. Jesus said, “Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no” (Matt 5:37). Say what you mean, and don’t try to manipulate your partner or your friend.

You know those cards that so many fast food places give you these days that are intended to encourage you to eat there more often? When you get 10 stamps on your card, then you get a free sandwich or whatever. Some people have an emotional/relational version of those cards, on which they keep track of their partner’s offenses. The first one is just silently recorded on the card in their memory bank. The second one the same way. The third. Nothing is being said about the head of steam that is building up inside you. Fourth offense. Sixth. Ninth. And then, bingo! When your partner commits that tenth offense, you cash in the card with an outburst that is worthy of Mt. St. Helens! Kaboom! That’s it! That’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You let them have it with both barrels.

Meanwhile, the other person is completely taken aback, because they had no clue that you were keeping score of their offenses. They may have been completely unaware that they were even committing these offenses. Don’t do this. It is not helpful. “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor 13:5). If there is an issue that bugs you, and you can’t just let it go, go back to point #2: talk it out.

Anger is one of the biggest problems in learning to deal with conflict. It’s been helpful to me to learn that anger is not a primary emotion; it is triggered by other strong feelings. For example, if we feel threatened, or attacked by someone else, if they say something that “pushes our buttons” by attacking our ego or our character, then we may resort to anger to make ourselves feel strong and like we’re in control of the situation. We do the same thing when we are hurt by something they said or did. We don’t know how to respond; we feel powerless; so we get angry to feel stronger. Or if our hopes and dreams for the marriage are frustrated, we may get angry at the person who has blocked us in our search for happiness.

This is all very normal, but how we express that anger makes all the difference in the world. On the one hand, we need to keep it under control, lest we make the situation much worse. Proverbs 29:11, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Secondly, we must not harbor that anger, and nurse it in our hearts, or it will become something much worse, like a deep-seated bitterness or malice. Ephes. 4:26, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” We need to keep short accounts with each other, and talk through the things that have made us angry. So patience, and self control are important when we’re angry, but so is finding a positive, constructive way of getting it out and talking about the things that have made us mad.

It feels to me like learning to deal constructively with conflict is a little like learning to play golf: there are so many things you have to remember and do all at once. I’ve had people try to coach me at golf, and it sounds something like this: keep your head down; don’t rotate your hands; drive down on the ball; don’t open your hips; follow through; etc., etc. I just can’t concentrate on six things at once. And I just gave you seven points for dealing with conflict. How in the world are we going to remember to do all those things at one time?

I think we have to ask God to help us. You’d think that with all the practice we have in dealing with conflict, we’d all be experts at it, but our sinful nature, and our insecurities, combine to make it very difficult. So we need to ask God to help us put these principles into practice. If He gets access to our hearts, if we ask Him to change our attitude toward our partner, I think we’ll find that most of these things just flow naturally. When we have been soaking in God’s love and grace ourselves, it will be much easier to pass that along to our mate.

The fourth level of communication is sharing our feelings. It’s hard to get to this level if we haven’t learned to handle conflict in a constructive way. But when we get here, it’s wonderful! For some reason, it is safer to share our thoughts than our feelings. When we share our emotions, we are getting down to the level where people can hurt us, so we tend not to go there. Men are especially more prone to protect themselves here, and not share their hearts with their wives, and this is the source of no end of grief for the women. I can’t tell you how many wives have told me that they just don’t have any sense of emotional intimacy with their husband, because the man doesn’t share his feelings. Opening up at this level makes us feel vulnerable, and exposed, and it reveals weaknesses that we men are taught to hide. But I have never heard a woman say that she despised her husband because he revealed his fears and anxieties to her; instead, it makes a wife love her husband all the more, because she now feels connected to him emotionally.

Here’s a little exercise that can really help to bond you as a couple: on the back of your bulletin you’ll find a sheet of feeling words. Set aside some time alone, and each of you find a word that describes how you feel about something right now. One relatively safe way to start this would be to ask, “Tell me about three things that happened to you today, and how you feel about them.” Or you can be more daring and share how you feel about your relationship. One of you talk about that for 3-5 minutes, with no interruptions allowed, and then trade. This would also be a terrific way to get some meaningful conversation going at the dinner table, or before you go to bed each night. You can even do this with the kids; teach them at an early age to feel comfortable sharing their emotions.

A further refinement on this technique is to try to come up with some word pictures that describe how you are feeling. For example, give a description of your day in terms of a weather report. Or, if you are anxious, you might say you feel like there is a huge rock above you on the mountain, and it is starting to roll straight at you and you’re terrified you’ll be crushed. If you are discouraged, you might say you feel like you are living at the bottom of a deep pit, where very little light ever gets down there. I have a pastor friend from Oklahoma, and when he’s doing well, he says he is “happy as a bee in clover.” Figures of speech carry a lot more emotional content than purely literal phrases.

It is described in various ways by different authors and researchers, but this is the deepest level of communication and intimacy where you feel completely safe to reveal your whole self with each other. It is coming together with another person in an extraordinary way. It might be two people sharing the same emotion with the same level of intensity. It’s as if, for the moment, two souls merge into one.

Couples may experience this at the birth of a child, or the loss of a parent, when one is diagnosed with a dangerous disease, at the wedding of their child, or at other crucial moments in their life. They can be positive or negative emotions, but you are both feeling them at the same time.

Another way to understand this highest level of communication is when we are so secure in our relationship that we can receive a word of correction from our partner. We trust their love for us, and know that they share this not to hurt us but to help us become a better person. So we don’t get defensive; we don’t retaliate; we receive it as constructive criticism, and thank them for it, and honestly try to work on that part of our relationship or character.

Peak communication is rare, even among close friends and family members, but it is the goal for every marriage. These are the experiences that bond us to our partner with cords too strong to break.

Five levels of communication. What level are you on? Here’s an exercise for you couples: Get some time alone and review these five levels of communication. Ask yourselves, “Where do we spend most of our time communicating? (That will usually be at the lower levels.) What’s the highest level we ever get to? If it’s less than 5, why is that? Are we willing to try to move ahead into some higher levels? What might be some of the benefits if we did? What are some of the risks?” This could be a real breakthrough for many of you if you would take the time to have this kind of conversation.

[1]For levels of communication, see Gary Chapman, Covenant Marriage (Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 2003), chapter 7; and http://pslinstitute.com/fivelevels.html; and http://www.nvcc.edu/home/npeck/Handouts/communicationlevels.htm

[2] Gary Chapman, Covenant Marriage (Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 2003), p.53.