Series:  Marvelous Marriage, #8
March 25, 2007

SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES

          In 1989 Stephen Covey published his best-seller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey surveyed all the literature to that point on the topic of personal effectiveness and distilled seven principles that have proven over time to be true of those people who seem to be the most successful in life.  I loved the book, and the title suggested to me a way to conclude this series of sermons on marriage.  I realized that we have many successful marriages in our church, so I decided to ask some of them for their keys to success.   I only asked seven out of the many I could have asked, so if I didn’t ask you, please do not be offended.  Each of these couples would have many things to share along this line, but I only selected one point for each. So here are some thoughts from seven of our couples who are making it work beautifully. We can learn from them. 

1.       Wayne and Marilyn Zimmerman  (53 years): Put God first. 

          When asked which was the greatest of all the commandments, Jesus replied, Mark 12:30, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”  Wayne and Marilyn have found that to be very true.  They say it has been absolutely essential for them to include God in their relationship.  It takes three to make it work.  It is important to build God into your life together.  You can do that by praying together; asking for His guidance in every major (and some minor) decisions of life; worshiping together; serving God together.  Put God at the center of your relationship.  Many of the couples I asked mentioned this point in some form or another. Along this line, Chuck and Marie Hoch added, “We have also learned to trust fully (as fully as a human can each day) in the marvelous sovereignty of God in our daily walk with Him.”  So no matter what happens, trust that God is in it. Lots of bad stuff happens along the way of our journey though this life; but nothing gets through to us without passing through the sovereign God for permission.  

          It seems to be really obvious that for Christian couples, putting God first is vitally important.  And yet, all too many do not really do that.  They think they can coast along in their Christian walk and still have a successful marriage.  These folks would say no—this is number one in importance. 

2.       Chuck and Marie Hoch  (54 years): Common goals

          Soon after they met in 1950, they realized that they both had the same goal in life, which was to serve the Lord wherever that would be.  Marie knew, as soon as she became a Christian, that she wanted to be a missionary, and had been a missionary in South America for two years before she met Chuck at a Christian camp back in the States.  She was delighted to discover that he wanted to be a missionary, too.  As their relationship developed, they found that they had the same goals, that neither of them was looking to stay in a comfortable situation, but simply wanted to serve God as missionaries.  They talked about that goal, worked toward it, saved toward it.  It integrated their life together.  The trajectories of their individual lives were parallel.

          Here’s why this is important:  it meant that 54 years later, they are still on the same page.  All too many couples either a) do not have any stated goals for their lives, individually or together, or b) have different goals from one another.  If you do not have any stated goals, if you have not talked about your fundamental values that govern and drive your lives, the chances of you ending up in the same place 20 years later are very slim.  Amos 3:3, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”  They probably aren’t going to walk together for 54 years!  Philip. 2:2 applies to all Christians in a general sense, but especially to couples: “make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.”  Are you united in spirit and purpose? Do you want the same things out of life?

          That doesn’t mean, do you both want to be missionaries, like the Hochs, or are you both teachers, like the Howards.  At a more basic level, what is your stance toward life? Because if your values and goals and perspectives are pointed in even slightly different directions, you will be far apart in 20 years.  You know that the visual trick of perspective makes two parallel lines appear to get closer the farther away they are from us, like these railroad tracks.  That’s a good picture of what happens when a husband and wife walk through life with the same values and goals.  But if your trajectories diverge even slightly at the beginning, then decades later you can find yourselves far apart in what you want out of life, and what you think life should be like.  It’s the importance of common goals.

3.       Steve and Becky Warner (23 years):  Trust

          Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is …faithfulness” and they have found that to be extremely valuable for them. They were absolutely confident that the other person would never be unfaithful.  One time Steve told Becky he had a working dinner coming up with a woman from the office, and Becky didn’t even flinch.  It never occurred to her that he would be unfaithful.  But notice that he did the right thing, and told her about it beforehand, and then described their time together when he got home.  That kind of transparency goes a long way toward fostering trust.  

          Trust is absolutely essential in a marriage.  When you stand before God and your family and friends and pledge your faithfulness to each other, you need to know you can trust that person to keep their word.   There used to be strong social mores against divorce.  It was looked down on by the culture as a whole, and as a result, divorce rates were significantly lower.  But now, the culture seems to accept divorce as common and expected.  There is no social stigma associated with it any more.  And the laws have changed. It used to be difficult to get a divorce, and there had to be good reason, like abuse, abandonment, drug or alcohol addiction, adultery, etc.  But now we have no-fault divorce in every state.  So the law won’t keep you in your marriage, and the society won’t keep you in your marriage.  What will?  Only the fact that you gave your word.  Which brings us back to the question of trust.  Can you be trusted to keep your word?  You made some form of commitment “until death parts us”; are you worthy of being trusted to keep that commitment? 

4.       Duncan and Laney Howard (31 years): “We”, not “me”  

          I remember when Barbie and I were first married, how difficult it was for me to think “we” instead of “me”.  I was 28 at the time, had been living on my own pretty much for 10 years since I went to college, and had been very much independent for the past 6 years in the Air Force and seminary.  I just wasn’t used to having to consider another person in my daily plans.  Boy, was that a rude awakening! 

          Matthew 19:6, “So they are no longer two, but one.” The Howards express this unity in several ways that they believe are important; here are two. 

          A.      Parenting

                   As any single parent will tell you, there is a reason it takes two to make a baby.  It’s a lot of work to raise a child!  So the Howards have emphasized the teamwork aspect of parenting.  This requires lots of communication about all the parenting issues.  How are we going to handle discipline?  How can we best encourage their sports interests?  Duncan and Laney have found that they had to work hard to really listen to the other, to make sure they knew what the other meant by what they said.  Duane Beninga used to be a facilitator in Christian Marriage Enrichment in Denver years ago, and he became convinced that really listening to your partner is one of the most powerful things you can do for someone. It is a potent way of saying, “You are important; I value you and what you have to say; I think you have good ideas.”  We all need to hear that, and no more so than in parenting our children. 

          B.      Money

                   (financial decisions).  They’re not in favor of “his” and “her” money or accounts.  When a couple starts putting money in separate accounts that only one or the other can get to, that sends a bad message.  It says, in effect, I don’t trust you with this money.  I have to protect it from you.  Maybe, even, I am planning on leaving you, and I want to make sure I have plenty to live on, so I’m going to squirrel my money away.  That is so destructive to your marital unity.  (By the way, I think there are good reasons for a pre-nuptial financial agreement when older people who have their own children and grandchildren get married for a second time.  But that’s a special case.  In general, it is best to merge the money as a symbol of your unity.) 

5.       Bob and Callie Redfield (33 years):  Always assume the best of the other person 

          This is much like, give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Ask yourself, How often do you intentionally do something to be hurtful to the one you love?   I’m sure the answer is seldom or never.  So if you don't intentionally say or do something to hurt your spouse, it is reasonable to assume that he/she would not intentionally say or do something with the intent of hurting you.  For example, was a caustic remark really intended to hurt you, or was it a symptom of worry, frustration, fatigue, insecurity, etc?  Should you not be gracious enough to overlook the tone of voice, poor choice of words or poor timing and try to hear what is really being intended?  Did your spouse miss an important commitment because they didn't want to make the effort, or was it because other circumstances hindered them?  Love covers a multitude of sins; it looks for the positive interpretation of events; it cuts people some slack; it gives them grace.

          A closely related proverb is Pr. 11:12,  "A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor [spouse], but a man of understanding holds his tongue."  Maybe it is worth not reacting immediately in order to ask some gentle questions to find out what is going on with your partner.   A man of understanding holds his tongue to give his partner the benefit of the doubt. 

6.       Chris and Linda Perciante  (29 years):  Emotional intimacy 

          Chris and Linda have made it a point to share only with each other their most intimate thoughts, joys, concerns, successes, and failures. They share their deepest feelings only with each another. This results in their truly being one another’s soul mates.  Intimacy is more than just physical oneness.  When the Bible says in Genesis 2:25, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame,” it is talking about physical intimacy to be sure, but there is much more to it than that.  God’s plan is that only your mate should see you naked physically, so only your mate should see you naked emotionally.  If this emotional intimacy is given to anyone else, it’s a form of faithlessness.  It is certainly the slippery slope to physical unfaithfulness, because when you start baring your soul to someone, you will then feel much less inhibited about baring your body to them.  In a successful marriage a couple is intimate only with one another. 

7.       Don and Leona Asnicar  (56 years last Sunday):  Mutual support in the hard times   

          Their son, Dave, died at age 17 from a rare bone cancer.  That experience caused them to come together for support.  They made a conscious effort to pull together so that in the end they would have no regrets and no accusations that they didn’t do the best they could.  They realized that the cancer was hard enough to deal with; they didn’t need to be at odds with each other. So they worked at supporting one another. 

          Hardships, suffering, disappointment, grief, come to us all.  It seems like some suffer more than others, but no life, no marriage is without its own share of hard times.  The question is: do we allow those times to press us together, or to drive a wedge between us?  It’s a choice we have, and Don and Leona discerned that.  When hardships and obstacles come into your life, what do you do?  Do you slink off to your corner and lick your wounds in private?  Or do you come together, talk about how you are feeling, offer comfort and encouragement to each other, and seek solutions together?  It doesn’t matter what the source of the difficulty is, what we do with it is what matters. 

          I think the Asnicars illustrated the truth of Eccles. 4:9-12,
    “Two are better than one,
        because they have a good return for their work:
    [10] If one falls down,
        his friend can help him up.
    But pity the man who falls
        and has no one to help him up! …
    [12] Though one may be overpowered,
        two can defend themselves...”  But you have to decide to do this.  You have to make a conscious choice to reach out to each other, rather than to suffer alone.  When you do, then the pressure of the hardship will only press you closer together. 

          There were many more excellent points made by these couples as they reflected on their years of successful marriage, but these seven stood out to me.  I hope they are an encouragement to you.  I think another point we can take away from this is the value of asking successful couples about their marriage experience, to see what we can learn from them.  I encourage you to have another couple over for dessert or coffee, and ask them what they’ve found helpful.  It could be the start of something good for you all. 

Renewal of vows.

          If you are married and your spouse is with you today, I’d like you to stand, and face each other.  This is the last sermon in this series on marriage, and we are going to have a time of renewing our wedding vows. 

          If you are not married, give careful attention to the solemn commitment involved, and pray for the marriages represented here today. 

          Take your wedding ring off, and give it to your partner. 

          Friends, we are gathered here in the presence of God as these couples recommit themselves to the holy bond of marriage

          Marriage is instituted by God, regulated by His commandments, was blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ, and is to be held in honor among all men. Let us therefore remember that God has established and sanctified marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Our Savior has declared that a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. By His apostles, He has instructed those who enter into this relationship to do the following things:

·        To hold each other in mutual esteem and love;

·        to bear with each other's weaknesses;

·        to comfort each other in sickness, trouble, and sorrow;

·        in honesty and with hard work to provide for each other and for their household in temporal things;

·        to pray for and encourage each other in the things which pertain to God.

Therefore, it is not to be entered into carelessly, but thoughtfully, reverently, and prayerfully.

STATEMENT OF INTENT:

(MEN) will you have this woman to be your wife, and will you pledge you faithfulness to her, in all love and honor, in all duty and service, in all faith and tenderness, to live with her and cherish her according to the ordinance of God, in the holy bond of marriage?

(WOMEN)  will you have this man to be your husband, and will you pledge your faithfulness to him, in all love and honor, in all duty and service, in all faith and tenderness, to live with him and cherish him according to the ordinance of God, in the holy bond of marriage?

1 Cor 13 (J.B. Phillips)

          If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have no love, I become no more than blaring brass or crashing cymbal.  If I have the gift of foretelling the future, and hold in my mind not only all human knowledge but the very secrets of God, and if I also have that absolute faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I amount to nothing at all.  If I dispose of all that I possess, yes, even if I give my own body to be burned, but have no love, I achieve precisely nothing.

          This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience. It looks for a way of being constructive.  It is not possessive. It is neither anxious to impress, nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. 

          Love has good manners, and does not pursue selfish advantage.  It is not touchy.  It does not keep account of evil, or gloat over the wickedness of other people.  On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.

          Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope.  It can outlast anything.  It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

          In this life we have three great lasting qualities: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of them is love.

In light of that standard of love, will you make your vows to each other.

VOWS :  I, (man), take you (woman), to be my wedded wife./  And I do promise before God and these witnesses,/ to be your loving and faithful husband/ in plenty and in want,/ in joy and in sorrow/ in sickness and in health/ as long as we both shall live.

I, (woman), take you, (man), to be my wedded husband./  And I do promise before God and these witnesses/ to be your loving and faithful wife/ in plenty and in want,/ in joy and in sorrow,/ in sickness and in health,/ as long as we both shall live.

RINGS:  This ring I give you/ in token and pledge/ of my constant faith/ and abiding love./  In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Seal that commitment with a kiss.